apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
