Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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