His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
