you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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