No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
