Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
