i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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