James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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