i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it's like iHOP with fire
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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