My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize