when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
