I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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