Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
