Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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