Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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