She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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