so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
