He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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