I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
