tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
