she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
