Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
