I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
