i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize