if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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