So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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