...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
