college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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