I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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