...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
