Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
