I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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