im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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