Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize