Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
