I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
