Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
