update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
