Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
