@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize