My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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