Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
