I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
