I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
