I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
