Got a toothbrush?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found puke in my bra..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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