she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
