No stitches, just platelets and will power
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
