the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
