I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dear god my vagina.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
