One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
