Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
