i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
