I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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