This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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