the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We left an ass print on the piano.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
