I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
