I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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